Spotlight feature: WILLIAM THOMAS
My Milestone 65th Birthday – A Walk Across England From Coast To Coast By William Thomas

By William Thomas

Senior Scope Humour Columnist William Thomas celebrates 65th birthday walking 192 miles in 14 days across England, coast to coast.

“And did those feet
     in ancient time,
Walk upon England’s
     mountains green?” ~Milton

Well, they were wrapped in Smart Wool socks and snuggled in Gore-Tex shoes but yes, as a matter of fact they did. But it wasn’t all that long ago.

On the first Sunday in October I set out on foot from St Bees on the northwest coast of England to walk the breadth of this fine country, from the Irish Sea to the North Sea, a trek of 192 miles.

Why, you might ask would a man celebrate his 65th birthday with a punishing 14-day march over rugged mountains and barren moors, up and down 29,000 feet of rocky paths and heathered fields when a dinner and a movie would do just fine?

I’d like to say it was the challenge of a lifetime but the fact is, that as men get closer to death they do really screwy things. Some guys jump out of planes or race sports cars or take up kite surfing. Hell, I know a man who celebrated turning 65 by getting married again! No, a man’s mind after 60 is never to be trusted.

But, I love to hike and writer Alfred Wainwright’s Coast To Coast Walk along England’s wild and pristine footpaths has intrigued me for years. Designed to engage nature and avoid civilization, the path cuts across the spectacular and mountainous lake District, through the forests and forded streams of the Yorkshire Dales and finally across the bleak and barren knolls of the North York Moors. Three national parks, two weeks, one backpack, a guide book with compass, map and Swiss Army knife – everything a rambler needs for a fortnight of freedom on foot.

It was drizzling through sunshine early in the morning of October 2nd when, following tradition, I dipped my foot in the Irish Sea, snatched a good luck pebble from the beach and climbed up the 300’ sandstone cliffs at St Bees. One foot in front of the other, I was on a milestone mission.

By two o’clock I had scaled St Bees Head, dipped down to Fleswick Bay, inspected an ancient lighthouse, clamored over the first of several hundred stiles, mastered a kissing gate into a field of sheep, passed through the village of Sandwith, took a photo of the Dog and Partridge Pub, crossed a dozen farmers’ fences and arrived to my great surprise … back in St Bees. The “Mile Zero Coast To Coast” sign I had sneered at six hours earlier, was laughing at me now. Learning the hard way that English national parks do not allow markers or signs, I abandoned the path and took the long, low road to Ennerside Bridge.

Everything went into a dryer, hot socks revived my legs and a pint of Wainwright’s Ale restored my spirits for now. Reaching the Fox & Hounds Pub by dark, my legs were tingling and everything on me including my backpack was drenched. I had trained for 16 and 18 miles but not the extreme elevation of the Lake District where peaks hit two and three thousand feet.

Out early after a sumptuous full English breakfast – if the terrain doesn’t kill me, the cholesterol will – I scaled the roller coaster trail that hugs the edge of a beautiful, black lake known as Ennerdale Water. I looked forward to sitting for a spell on Robin Hood’s Chair but it turned out to be a large, lush outcrapping that’s embedded in the side of the lake.

The wrap around scenery was dreamy and dramatic – glistening green hills dotted with black-faced sheep and crisscrossed with fast-running streams. Rocky paths disappeared up and over mountain peaks, ancient stone walls surrounding pastures that fell out of sight into valleys below.

I was as much lost in their woods as I was in their words – stiles, dubs, becks, folds and duckboards – but I found the River Liza and never let her out of my sight.

The sun peaked through briefly and I saw Scafell Pike in the distance, England’s highest peak at 3210 feet. Thank God, the path circles that one!

It was ugly and unorthodox but by plodding ever east by my compass, I stumbled upon the hamlet of Seatoller where I took tea. From there it was a hike through Johnny Wood, past Nook Farm and The Flock Inn (God I love the English names) and into Rosthwaite for the night. A pint, a pie and an intense study of tomorrow’s ordinance map was becoming my evening’s routine.

The next day begins beautifully – country paths and stone walls, waterfalls and folds full of sheep. Climbing Greenup Hill was tough but stunning. Towering cliffs loomed in the distance – Lining Crag, Greenup Edge, Eagle Crag. I scaled them all and three more to boot but I got lost again and had to follow two experienced hikers into Grasmere, their first two attempts to make this trek thwarted by weather.

This trek being far more difficult than I anticipated – longer, higher, harder with lousy weather – I was soaked in sweat and a little disoriented when I went to the post office and got a bus schedule. I gotta get out of here.

I drowned my sorrow with an extra pint of Bass at The Red Lion and visited both William Wordsworth’s house and his grave behind St. Oswald’s church. “I wandered lonely as a cloud…” Okay, so he got lost a lot too.

But the next morning the sun came out and a grizzled, old hiker at breakfast at the Chestnut Inn seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I was quitting the walk. “I could never do it but you, you’re still young.”

And then I remembered why I was here – to prove 65 was not so old.

I returned to the path making the rocky ascent up Grisedale Pass to Grisedale Tarn in under two hours. At Ruthwaite Lodge, a boarded-up hiker’s hut I knew I could not get lost. Striding eventually through the gorgeous valley into Patterdale with the sailboats on Ullswater Lake bobbing in the background, I thought I might just finish the walk.

With the Lake District and the gale force winds behind me – everything from the weather, to the sign markers to my attitude improved. Gradually the focus of the walk switched from place to the people. Ian Moseley the innkeeper of Old Water View in Patterdale insisted I try the ales brewed especially for this gorgeous B&B and as we poured over maps highlighting better, drier paths and lower alternate routes I knew I’d met a fellow walker I would most certainly see again. **

The 16-mile route to Shap was rugged and long but waiting for me at the Brookfield House was dear, sweet Margaret who served me tea and scones by the fire and actually washed and dried my sweat-soaked clothes.

The path over the fells to Orton was “dead easy” as Ian had predicted and the Irish publican of The George Hotel gave me a lift after dinner out to Scar Side Farm for the night.

The 13-mile section to Kirby Stevens was easier than it looked on the map and from the Smardale Fell I thought I saw the mysterious Nine Standards Rigg in the distance – 12-foot high spooky statues atop a moor in the middle of nowhere.

Kirby Stephens might be the tidiest town in Britain, bustling with people, none too busy to give directions or suggest a very good pub.

Sadly, I had to take the low route across the Pennine Hills, the backbone mountains of Britain and missed the Nine Standards Rigg at the top.

“Swampy?” said the crusty gent in the pub. “If you see hats floating on the path, they would be coast-to-coasters!” Stone barns in steep valleys, rolling sheepfolds and white waterfalls – the walk into Keld defined the word ‘bucolic.’

I loved Keld – a stark hamlet of a dozen stone houses located on a bleak and barren moor with a tiny museum and a ‘Public Convenience’ – because it was the halfway point across England. I celebrated with two pints of Black Sheep Rigg Welter, the best dark ale I’ve ever had, at the tiny, perfect pub in Keld Lodge.

Sheep – I’m staring at them, talking to them, dreaming of them. If I see one more sign in a shop that says “Thank Ewe,” seriously, I’m going to scream.

Best day of the walk, following the beautiful River Swale all the way to Reeth.

The 11-mile walk to the village of Reeth was glorious. The sun shone, I walked in shorts, I sat down on a log for lunch and there was no getting lost, no need to gauge the compass or consult the guide book because I followed the River Swale all the way. And what a beautiful river it is – red-headed from the peat bogs, it rushes under bridges, gorges down chutes, the roar ringing in your ears for hours. The green scene of the river snaking through Swale Valley
is breathtaking.

Reeth, the Yorkshire setting for the James Herriot series All Creatures Great And Small is a typically pretty ‘Dale town’ with a green common and a couple of pubs. At the Black Bull I shared great conversation and a pizza with two Brits, cousins completing Wainwright’s walk, three sections each year.

And so it went, a lone walker by day, clinking pints with strangers in pubs at night. The evening’s camaraderie became the reward for the solitude of 20-mile days.

The last days seemed to fly by, the anticipation of making it to the North Sea building by the mile. From Reeth to Richmond was practically a stroll; a flat track through farms and knolls scaring up pheasants every mile or so. The trail from Engleby Cross to Great Broughton was hard and long, moor after muddy moor. Lost and in the middle of a fog, I stumbled upon the Lord Stone Café where I got directions and a half mug of tea. The upscale Wainstones Hotel in Great Broughton offered me a hot bath and … a pants presser in the room.

The roller coaster tramp over the North York Moors continued, some green, others purple with thick heather and Scottish thistles. I passed a few grouse butts, overgrown stone blinds used in shooting the plump and squawky birds. Isolated and built into the side of a hill, I nearly fell onto the roof of The White Lion, a sprawling, cavernous pub, a thing of old English beauty. Beggar’s Bridge was a welcome sight as I walked to Glaisdale at dusk.

My last day on the coast to coast walk – I’m feelin’ good and lookin’ for an ocean.

Today’s trek begins with me standing barefoot and banging on the door of The Arncliffe Arms to retrieve the shoes I left in their drying room the night before. Warm shoes and dry clothes, I’m counting my blessings and touching wood – no sprains, no bad falls, no pulls, calluses, not even a blister. As long as I ice my right knee at night, the body is holding up.

At Egton Bridge I took a photo of a fly fisherman casting into a quiet pool on the River Esk. There were stepping stones across the Esk, “The Hermitage” cave and a tidy little trailer park to break up the day, but the high, hard slog to the end was not a victory lap.

At Grosmont I fell into step with Magdalena, a young Austrian girl who was toughing it out after losing her walking poles crossing a stream waist high. It was War Weekend and the townsfolk were dressed in 40’s clothes and vintage uniforms celebrating victory over the Germans. “Please,” I said to her, ‘do not speak one word of German. In case you haven’t noticed, these people really hold a grudge.”

From Grosmont to the coast was a tough uphill march on mostly moors and a few back roads. Then serendipity struck. I was standing atop Sleights Moor at 700’ taking water when the drizzle slowed and the clouds around me lifted like a curtain on a stage. The sun broke through and there it was, due east and dazzling, the towers of Whitby Abbey sitting in front of a twinkling sea. The North Sea. I’d be in Robin Hood’s Bay by sunset. I walked slower knowing it was imminently reachable and maybe … because I didn’t want the journey to end.

Hours later I strutted, okay hobbled triumphantly into Robin Hood’s Bay. I headed straight to the sea and the lawn of the Victoria Hotel which takes in the whole sweep of the surrounding cliffs and the sandy bay below.

And there, leaning on the fence high above the smuggler’s village of Robin Hood’s Bay with 192 miles of England’s most savage and splendid landscape behind me, I pretty much broke down.

No hoops, hollers or high-fives, I just stood there quietly thinking ‘Damn, I actually did it!’

“But what did ya learn?” asked the gruff barkeep at The Bay Hotel where I collected my Coast To Coast certificate and a T-shirt showing the route.

“Never expect intelligent conversation from sheep,” I replied.

What I did learn is that with preparation (mine could have been much better,) patience (I had more at the end) and perseverance (here I gave myself an “A”) you can accomplish anything at almost any age. Age 65 may or may not be the new 50 but it sure as hell ain’t the old 65.

The people I met along the way from thick-accented Cumbrians to the cheerful Yorkies were the sweetest, most helpful Brits I have ever met. And to all the staff at Macs Adventure (www.macsadventure.com) thank you, you made a man’s birthday the milestone of his life.

If you’re a walker and you should be, Wainwright’s Coast to Coast Walk is your pilgrimage. Do it while you still can. Go with a group and go in the summer, but go.

For comments, ideas and copies of The True Story of Wainfleet, go to www.williamthomas.ca

For C2C info go to www.macsadventure.com

(Read more in the Jan 19 - Feb 13/2012 issue of Senior Scope)

I Resolve…

As the Minister of Healthy Living Youth and Seniors, I believe in all aspects of healthy living, including active living, nutrition, mental health, smoking cessation and many other components of what it means to be healthy throughout our lives. We don’t often talk about it specifically, but healthy relationships are an important part of well-being at any age. A healthy relationship is built on love, respect and caring. When we are valued and respected for who we are, and treated as equals, this can help improve our ability to cope with changes in our lives and can have a positive effect on our overall health.

As we all know, throughout our lives, we often interact with many people, forming new friendships and relationships, while ending others. Sometimes we even reconnect with someone we haven’t seen in years. Through it all, however, we rarely lose our need for social interaction and having close connections with others. Finding new friends can be challenging, particularly after the loss of a partner or the end of a long friendship. Fortunately, there are many ways to connect with people and form new, healthy relationships.

For example, you could attend social events in your community such as a dance or a tea, or join a computer class, walking club or book club. Joining a gym or going out with friends to some of the excellent theatre or music productions in Winnipeg are some of my favourite events. Volunteering is also a meaningful way to stay connected to your community, meet new friends and share your experience or skills. If travel interests you, there are many travel programs that are offered through seniors’ organizations or travel companies that can help expand your horizons plus meet new people.

As technology advances, some people have begun using the Internet to meet other people. This can be a positive experience for many, but it is also important to be cautious. If you are using an online dating service or chat website, be careful not to share personal information or pictures of yourself until you feel comfortable doing so. Do not include your full name, telephone number or address with your profile. It’s a good idea to take plenty of time to get to know each other and be sure to ask lots of questions. If you decide to meet in person, always arrange a first meeting in a public place such as a restaurant or shopping mall. Plan your own transportation to and from the meeting. Be sure to tell someone where you are going and when you are expected to return. It’s important to always trust your instincts.

Throughout our lives, relationships with family and friends are sure to change. The good news is, we can widen that circle and enrich our lives by meeting new people and developing healthy relationships. As always, I invite you to call the Seniors Information Line with any comments or questions at 945-6565 in Winnipeg; toll free 1-800-665-6565. You can also visit www.gov.mb.ca.healthyliving and click on the link for Manitoba Seniors and Healthy Aging Secretariat.

(Read more in the Jan 19 - Feb 13/2012 issue of Senior Scope)

HUMOUR COLUMN:

The end of gentle humour

By Willian J. Thomas
Humour Columnist

Gordon Arthur Kelly was born in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan on July 17, 1912 to very little fanfare. In fact he was abandoned by his parents when he was only a few weeks old and adopted by an evangelical preacher and his wife. When they moved to San Diego his life changed. The Great Depression hit America just after he graduated from high school and at the age of 16 he rode the rails in the early 30’s doing odd jobs to survive. Later he graduated from teachers college, but took a job at KGR-Radio in San Diego because it paid more money.

With that entry into the entertainment industry his career was enhanced, his life course was chartered and millions of North Americans laughed at him for the next half a century.

He created a radio show called People Are Funny and took it to television where it was a seven-year hit. In a kind and gentle manner, he made us laugh out loud and more importantly he made us laugh at ourselves.

He was a handsome and dignified man who epitomized the ‘gentle’ in gentleman. He loved children, had five of his own and at 74 years, enjoyed one of the longest marriages in the history of show business.

By talking to children and not down to them, he created a unique form of humour that was a sensation on U.S. television in the 60’s and is as knock-down funny today as it was back then.

Kids Say The Darndest Things was a ‘riot’ for early family television. Gordon Arthur Kelly who became Arthur Gordon “Art” Linkletter upon adoption died May 26th at 97 years of age. His death marked the end of an outstanding human being and a talented, moral man. It also heralded, at least in the North American entertainment industry, the end of gentle humour.

Profanity, cruelty, sexism, racism or shock-jock was never a part of Art Linkletter’s world of comedy, but today they are the cornerstone of stand-up and sitcom shows.

Obscene humour is way too easy which is why everybody’s a comedian on ‘open mike night.’ Clever and clean comedy takes hard work and talent which is why, at this very moment, you can’t name a great comedian who works clean. The last time I attended Yuk Yuk’s I needed a shower when I got home.

So as far as good, honest humour goes, Art Linkletter was a one-of-a-kind entertainer. Joey Bishop once said that Art Linkletter had interviewed so many children he couldn’t talk to you without bending down. After years of working with children the People Are Funny host once defined a child as an object halfway between an adult and a television set.

This is a test. If you do not find these excerpts from Art Linkletter’s Kid Say The Darndest Things funny, and I mean smile, chuckle or laugh out loud, then we’ve lost you to the new but not improved brand of humour.

These are actual question and answer exchanges between Art Linkletter and kids on his show.

• After one seven-year-old recited the Biblical tale of David and Goliath, how David felled the giant with a stone to the forehead from his slingshot thereby killing him, he asked the child what lesson was learned from the story.
The kid’s reply: “Duck!”

• He asked another child if he knew the meaning of the saying ‘The early bid gets the worm’ and the kid said: “They’re welcome to it. I ate one once and it tasted like cold spaghetti!”

• Art: “What kind of lawyer is your father?
Kid: “The good kind. He gets people out of jail.”

• Art: “Did your mom give you any instructions before you came on the show?”
Kid: “Yeah, she told me to keep my mouth shut.”

• Art: “How old is your mom?”
Kid: “My mom says she’s 30 but
she’s really 36.”

• Art: “What does your dad do for fun?”
Kid: “He drinks beer and smokes cigars.”
Art: “What about your mom?”
Kid: “She doesn’t have any fun.”

• Art: “Where did your parents meet?”
Kid: “They were roommates at college.”

• After determining that the child did not receive an allowance, Art asked him how he got money.
Kid: “I get a nickel every day I don’t have a damp bed.”
Art: “How are you doing?”
Kid: “I made a dime last week.”

• Art: “What do you want to do when you grow up?”
Kid: “Nothing. I don’t want to grow up.”

• After the child said she had no brothers or sisters, the host asked if she wanted some.
Kid: “Sure, I’m lonesome.”
Art: “What does your mother say when you ask her for one?”
Kid: “She just groans.”

• When asked about her pets, a little girl replied: “I used to have a duck but it ran away. Then I had a turtle, but my father stepped on it. Then I had three goldfish, but my sister put water softener in their bowl and they softened to death.

• Asked to describe the behavior of his 2-month-old baby brother, one child said he cried the whole night long.
Art: “Why is that, what do you think?”
Kid: “He probably thinks he’s missing something on television.”

• Art: “Did you see Santa this year?”
Kid: “See him? I fixed him a bourbon and water.”
Art Linkletter was always impressed by a letter he got from a kid that said, “I always watch you when I’m sick.” Most of us will remember this man when a great gale of laughter erupts at nobody’s expense.

For comments, ideas and copies of The True Story of Wainfleet, go to www.williamthomas.ca

(Read more in the Nov 15 - Dec 5/2011 issue of Senior Scope)

Join the Push to Make Manitoba Accessible for All

Accessibility would pretty easy to achieve we all came in the same shape, size and condition. The reality that we all not all healthy 35 year-olds with perfect hearing, sight and mobility, however, seems to have escaped many of those who are responsible for our buildings, houses streets and sidewalks, parks, buses and even public services.

Barrier-Free Manitoba has called on Government of Manitoba to table legislation requiring that government and businesses make changes to better meet the needs of persons of all abilities. With the spring sitting of the Legislature (the last one before the fall election) now underway, Barrier-Free Manitoba , in conjunction with seniors' organizations across the province, is urging the government to act now.

Please join the hundreds of Manitoba seniors who have already joined this important campaign. Just complete the clip out action card below and mail it to the Premier's Office.

You can get more information on the push for legislation at the Barrier-Free Manitoba web site at: www.barrierfreemb.com.

Help change legislation for a Barrier-Free Manitoba. Click on image for larger form to print, fill out, sign, and mail.

(Read more in the April 19 - May 16/2011 issue of Senior Scope)

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