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Latest Joke
"Break-in"
When Dorothy's
elderly father wanted to put new siding on his house, Dorothy's
husband, Jack, offered his services.
One morning
as Jack was tearing away the old siding from the front of
the house, a man came by and asked Jack if he could speak
to Dorothy's father.
"He's
not home right now," Jack said.
As the
man watched Jack remove more siding, he thanked him and said,
"Maybe they'll leave you the key next time they go out."
What
Are Seniors Worth Anyway?
We
are worth a fortune!
Remember,
old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair,
gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their
feet, and gas in their stomach. I have become a little older
since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my
life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.
I am seeing
five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Wil Power
helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie
Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of
my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows
up and accompanies me the rest of the day. He doesn't like
to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint
to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad
to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh yes, I'm also flirting
with Al Zymer.
P.S. The
preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age, I
should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him: "Oh,
I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs,
in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, 'Now,
what am I here after?'"
~
submitted by Gunter & Helga Tuttahs
I
wish I was a bear!
Bears
get to hibernate and do nothing but sleep for six months.
I wish I could do that.
Before
they hibernate, they eat themselves stupid. I wish I could
do that.
Bears'
offspring are walnut-size and are born while the mother is
asleep. Mother bears wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly
cubs. I definitely wish I could do that.
Everyone
knows mama bears mean business. They swat anyone who bothers
their cubs. If their cubs get out of line, they swat them
too. I wish I could do that.
Papa bears
EXPECT their mates to wake up growling. He EXPECTS them to
have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yep…
I wish I was a bear!
Fly
Genders
A man
is wandering around the house with a flyswatter. When asked
what he is doing? He replies, "I'm killing flies. I killed
two males and three females. His wife asks how he can tell
the sex of the flies. He replies, "Two were on a beer
can and three were on the phone."
~
submitted by a resident at 875 Elizabeth block.
Driving
Me Crazy
1.
A man was driving on the freeway when his wife called him
on his cell phone. "John," she cried, "I just
heard on the news that a car is going the wrong way on 380.
Please be careful!"
"Heck,"
John cursed. "There are hundreds of them!"
2.
A juggler was rushing to a show when he got stopped by a traffic
cop. The cop noticed matches and lighter fuel on the back
seat. The juggler tried to explain his profession but the
suspicious cop asked the juggler to prove it. As the juggler
gathered his props and began juggling three blazing torches
at the roadside, an elderly couple drove by. The husband turned
to his wife and said, "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look
at the test they're giving now!"
Victoria's
Secret
A couple
was invited to a Hallowe'en party. They both were looking
forward to it, but at the last minute, Victoria, the wife,
felt ill. She told her husband to go and have fun anyways,
so he dressed up and off he went. A little while later, Victoria
felt better and decided to dress up herself and go.
Upon arrival,
she observed her husband flirting and dancing with other women.
She decided to approach him and disguise her voice as he didn't
know her costume.
She asked,
"Fancy a breath of fresh air?"
"Sure,"
he replied.
Out they
went and did the unmentionable.
Back at
the party, Victoria slipped away home and pretended she didn't
go anywhere wondering how her husband would explain his evening
out without her.
When he
arrived, she asked him how the party was. "Oh, you know
I never have a good time without you, darling," he replied.
"When I got there, I met some buddies and we left to
play poker all evening. But I tell you, the guy I lent my
costume to sure had a good time!"
Cowboy
Clout
A cowboy
passing through town stops at a saloon for a drink. Being
a stranger he is subjected to some harassment from the locals.
When he finishes his drink, he goes outside to find that his
horse is stolen.
He goes
back into the bar, draws his gun, throws it over his head
catching it without looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH
ONE OF YOU RUSTLERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he asserts himself
surprisingly.
No one
answers.
"Aw
right, I'm gonna have another drink, and if my hoss ain't
back when I'm finished, I'm gonna have to do what I dun in
Texas and I assure ya, there will be regrets!"
There
is awkward silence. When he finishes his drink he goes outside
and his horse is back. As he mounts his horse, the bartender
comes and asks, "Say pardner, what did you do in Texas?"
The cowboy
replies, "I walked home."
Frog
Folly
Once upon
a time, a beautiful, young princess came upon a frog in a
pond. The frog explained to the princess, "I once was
a handsome young prince but a witch put an evil spell on me.
But, if you should kiss me I will shall turn back into a handsome
prince and then we can marry, move into my mom's castle and
you can cook my meals, clean my clothes, massage my back,
bear my children and live happily ever after."… That
night, as the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing…
Home
For Christmas
An old
man in Winnipeg calls his son in Toronto and tells him, "I
have some bad news for you, John. Your mother and I are divorcing.
We can't stand each other any longer. I'm tired of talking
about this so call your sister in Calgary and tell her."
Frantic,
John calls his sister, Abby, and she explodes, "Like
heck they're divorcing! I'll handle this!"
Abby calls
her father and screams, "What do you mean you are getting
divorced? Don't do anything until John and I get there! We'll
fly in tomorrow."
As the
old father hangs up the phone, he turns to his wife and says,
"Okay, they're coming home for Christmas and paying their
own fares. What'll we tell them for Easter?"
A
Little Mixed Up
Just a
line to say, "I'm living,
that I'm not among the dead;
tho' I'm getting more forgetful,
and more mixed up in the head.
For sometimes,
I can't remember
when I stand at foot of stair,
if I must go up for something,
or if I've just come down from there.
And before
the fridge so often,
my poor mind is filled with doubt:
Have I just put food away,
or have I come to take some out?
At times
when it is dark out
with my nightcap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring,
or just getting out of bed.
So, if
it's my turn to write you,
thereีs no need in getting sore.
I may think that I have written,
and don't want to be a bore.
Just remember,
I do love you,
and wish that you were here…
And now it's getting mail time,
and I must say, "Good-bye, Dear."
There
I stood beside the mailbox
with a face so very red.
Instead of mailing your letter,
I had opened it instead.
~
submitted by Gunter & Helga Tuttahs
Accomplice
Unaware
A priest,walking
down the street one day notices a very small boy trying to
reach a doorbell on a house across the street. As hard as
the boy tries, he is just too small and can't quite reach.
After
watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest walks
smartly across the street up to the boy. Placing his hand
kindly on the child's shoulder, he gives the doorbell a solid
ring.
Bending
down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently
and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
The little
boy replies, "Now we run!"
Hunting
Hazards
A father
and son went on their first hunting trip together. The father
said to his son, "Stay here and be very quiet. I'm going
across the field."
A few
minutes later, the father heard a blood-curdling scream and
ran back to where he left his son.
"What
happened?" the father asked. "I thought I told you
to be quiet!"
In defense,
the son replied, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered
across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my
neck. I stayed calm when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth when the wasp stung
me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss
or scratch when the poison ivy started to itch. But when the
two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and one said, "Should
we eat them here or take them with us?", well, I guess
I just panicked."
~
submitted by Walter Romanchuk
Amigo
Amiss
Believe
it, or not… On a gloomy, stormy night in Mexico,
a tourist was left on the side of the road in the country
near a small town to hitch hike. Visibility was limited to
less than a few feet. Hours passed before a car came. Finally,
a car crawled to a stop. He hopped into the back and settled
in before realizing there was no driver. He saw a curve coming
and started to panic. He began to pray and beg for his life.
Just before the car reached the curve, a hand appeared through
the window and turned the wheel. In shock and fearing for
his life, the man jumped out and ran to the nearest town.
He blasted into the nearest cantina and ordered a double tequila.
He blurted out his horrific story to the patrons and began
to sob. The patrons watched in amazement as they realized
he wasn't even intoxicated.
Shortly
after, two rain-sodden men entered the cantina. One said,
"Look amigo, there's the idiot that got into the car
while we were pushing it."
Bear
With Me!
One day,
in the forest, a hunter happened upon a huge, hungry bear.
Overwhelmed with fear, the hunter was unable to aim and shoot
at the bear. He turned and ran until he was forced to stop
at the edge of a cliff. As a last resort he fell to his knees
and raised his open arms and prayed to the heavens, "Oh,
Dear God! Please put the spirit of religion in this bear and
give him some compassion!"
The bear,
not far behind, suddenly stopped and glanced around looking
somewhat bewildered. Suddenly, it looked up into a darkened
sky and said, "Dear God. Thank you for the food I am
about to receive…"
A
Howl of a Time
Before
school, eight-year-old Jeremy was practicing playing his violin
while his father was enjoying the morning paper at the breakfast
table. When the scratchy, screechy, torturous sounds of Jeremy's
violin pierced the ears of the family dog, he began to howl
with all his might.
Patiently,
not wanting to interrupt his son's practice session, the father
waited 'til he couldn't take it any longer. Yelling above
the noise, the father pleaded, "Could you play a tune
that the dog doesn't know?"
Dear
God…
These
are some letters collected from various schools.
Dear God,
It rained
for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some
things about you that people are not supposed to say, but
I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
Your
friend
(I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear God,
I read
the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love,
Alison
Dear God,
Did you
mean for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma
Dear
God,
I
keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet.
Don't
forget. Mark
Rain
Check
A store
clerk was overheard by the store manager saying to a customer,
"No, we haven't had any for some time now and it doesn't
look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Concerned
about the customer service being displayed, the manager rushed
over to the customer who was leaving and said, "No, that's
not true! Of course, we'll have some soon. We've placed an
order for it just last week!"
Then the
manager scolded the clerk saying, "Never say we don't
have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and
will arrive any day. Now, what did she want?"
Smiling,
the clerk replied, "Rain."
Classifieds
POSITION:
Mom
JOB
DESCRIPTION: Full time energetic team player needed for
challenging work in a chaotic environment. Must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be 10 steps ahead
of any unforeseen disaster. Must be willing to work evenings,
weekends and be on call 24 hours a day.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
Must have incredible people skills. Must have eyes on back
of head and be able to move at the speed of light. Must screen
phone calls and be able to juggle several schedules without
ado. Logistics and janitorial work required. Must hope for
the best but be prepared for the worst. Must know answers
to everything. Must assume complete accountability for final
end products.
QUALIFICATIONS:
None required. On-the-job training provided. Some upgrading
required.
ADVANCEMENT
AND PROMOTION: A 'Grand' opportunity. You achieve seniority
after you've perfected your skills maintaining your dignity
while tending to the needs of those under you and to those
under those under you and so on…
WAGES
AND COMPENSATION: Frequent raises and bonuses and a lump
sum after 18 years. (Not for you.)
BENEFITS:
You can take pride in a job well done!
Peek-uh-boo…
I see you!
The famous
Olympic skier, Picabo (pronounced Peek-uh-boo) Street, is
not just a world-class athlete… she also is a nurse.
She works in a hospital in the Intensive Care Unit. Staff
there won't allow Picabo to answer the phones anymore as it
caused confusion when she would answer, "Picabo, ICU"
Dust
bunnies?
At church,
little Adam asks to speak to the minister.
He says,
"Pastor, you said that our bodies are made from dust
and when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes,
Adam. I said that. Why do you ask?"
"Well,
you better come to our house and look under my bed, cuz someone's
either comin' or goin'!"
Rules
of Writing
1. Verbs
HAS to suit their subjects.
2. Prepositions
must not be used to end sentences with.
3. And
never start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It
is incorrect to also split an infinitive.
5. Parentheses
(however relevant) aren't (always) necessary.
6. Be
specific, more or less.
7. Also,
too, never, ever use excessive repetition.
8. Never
sentence fragments.
9. Do
not use no double negatives.
10. Prooffread
for spellling and to see if you any words out.
Barely
- Illegal
One day
while driving with her three young children, a mother was
shocked by the sight of a woman in a convertible ahead who
stood up and waved with nothing on but the radio.
She was
horrified at what the children might think, and then the five-year-old
blurted out, "Look Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat
belt!"
Please
keep checking back for updates and additions!
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